-- Dreams are what keeps me alive --

MOVED!

2006-09-20T03:42:00.000-07:00

you guys must have missed the notice... I have moved my blog... not using this blog anymore

http://www.intoxicatingpoisonparadise.blogspot.com

Got it? okay... good! Take time to visit it, okay?

MOVED!

2006-07-23T04:19:00.000-07:00

Okay, just to tell you guys that I won't be using this blog no more. Ayt? I've moved... So that's that... And as I can remember, I gave you guys the notice in Yahoo! Messenger? Am I right? So haha!

bbye

On Death and Dying

2006-03-24T03:22:00.000-08:00

I do know that death and dying are part of life but I've always made myself believe that it happens to other people... and not to people I know. I was forced to deal with and swallow reality last week... when my uncle died

Last Saturday, March 18, 2006, 3:30 pm, my uncle let go 'cause his mission was finished. Although I must say he was probably hesitant to. He was rushed to the hospital not 12 hours before and he was already in a coma. Still, he wouldn't let go because of his two children and his pregnant wife. When his brother came, he told him that he would take care of my other uncle's children. In two minutes time, he finally let go.

When I heard the news, I didn't exactly cry since I didn't grasp the situation. But come Sunday, I couldn't stop crying and by the time I got home from the funeral, my eyes hurt like crazy. Anyway, I couldn't focus on the test last March 20 because all I could think about was my uncle. His burial was set for the 21st of March at 11:30 am. I went to the funeral that day again and I saw pictures of me as a baby with my uncle putting me to sleep.

I guess that was why I was affected so much. Though I know that he may have somehow lost his way at around the age of 23, got into drugs and stuff like that, I know that deep down, he's a really good person. He's very affectionate and though he may not care much about himself or his health, he cares a LOT about the people around him.

As a kid, he raised me along with my grandparents (yepp... my parents weren't ther when I was a kid), took care of me always, put me to bed, and some more stuff like that. My other uncle showed me pictures of me with my deceased uncle and I instantly broke down. I mean, even my grandmother took his death better than I do. I still can't believe I'll never see him again. The last time I saw him was when I was 12 years old... And now, I have no idea if I'll ever see him again.

A motorcycle accident took away his life. He fractured his skull and his cerebral fluid was spilling out of his ears. He was only 31 years old.

Death may separate us from the people we love. But as long as we remember to accept the truth and let them walk towards the light, we'll find peace for them, as well as peace for ourselves. When someone dies, we have to let go, they made the sacrifice of leaving us, let's make the sacrifice of letting them go. It wasn't easy for them and it won't be easy for us, too. I had to learn that the hard way. However, we must always keep in mind that they are in a better place now, and that they've never left us. They're still with us, and they're always here to tell us. Apart from that, you know that someone who's always watched out for you is still there for you, to light your path, give you guidance and strength, and will still watch you from above. They've let go of their life, but they'll never let go of their duties to keep us safe like they've always done.

random thoughts

2006-03-14T06:26:00.000-08:00

Wait lang... bakit ba tagalog? Kasi nitatamad ako mag-english. Tulad na lang ng pagkatamad kong mag-review para sa NAt bukas. Kaya ngayon, ako'y mag-tataglish. (obvious loss of formality, here I come.)

Bestfriend: okay... simulan natin kay bestfriend! haha! tamang-tama pa... music ko ngayon aerosmith... I don't wanna miss a thing. haha! anyway.... ilang araw na... puro siya iniisip ko. haha! wala na, puro haha na lang. ewan ko ba kung bakit... kasi naman eh! kasalanan to ng nanay at tatay niya eh! maging kamukha daw ba siya ni maging sino ka man. wait lang... okay... sabihin niyo naman sa akin hindi siya nagpupunta dito...

anyway, kanina ba naman, sila vero kinausap siya tapos tumakbo na ako sa may banyo... ABNORMAL! si mariz naman hinabol ako. nakapasok na nga ako sa banyo hinatak parin ako. si trishae naman tinulungan pa! ano bang balak niong gawin ko? wahahaha! tapos nagwala ako na parang sinasapian and take note: NAKITA NIYA AKO! sabi naman ni mariz, kapag ganung oras daw, talagang sinasapian lang ako. whatever. tapos, nag pi ako ng malakas. tapos, lumuhod na at nagtago kei mariz. whatever... tapos umalis na siya. pagbalik ko naman sa rum, si elmer pinaalala pa. wahahahaha

N.A.T.: HA! nagpaxerox pa ako ng kung anu-ano sa pinoi at bio ala din pala akong balak magreview! whatevah! original plan ko, magreview... I mean hello! 30% to noh, 'tol! dapat nga nagrereview ako imbis na nagboblog eh! I wasted my 21 pesos. tama ba addition ko? :)

Darwin-1: syet! ewan ko ba! bigla kong namiss ang pagiging first year! sana dar1 pa ko uli! atlis andyan palagi cla char, kat, mariz, papa!!!!!!!!!!!, embang... kung sinu-sino pa na nde ko na kaklase! pati nga yung basurahang mabantot namimiss ko na eh...

ano pa ba?

miss ko na yung tyms na humihiga kami ni char sa teacher's table na parang tanga! yung times na tumatambay kami sa pinto and out of nhowhere biglang magcoconcert! times na nagpapaikot-ikot ako (otherwise known as tornado!), ang times na dun kami tumatambay sa tapa ng room... lalong namimiss ko yung mga kalokohan namen!

ewan... dami pa niyan! pde ba bumalik ang skulyir 2004-2005?

neway... ayan! random thoughts for the day... kat, jugs, tita.... nag-update na ako! :)

A New World Concerto

2005-12-17T23:45:00.000-08:00

December 16, 2005: I've been waiting for this day since October! Why? Because Maksim Mrvica would once again visit the Philippines and play for all of his fans! Woohoo! The first time I saw in the papers that he would be performing, I knocked on my parents' bedroom door and asked my dad to get me front row seats!

Well, my dad did get me front-row seats but somehow, I was rather disappointed when I went to his concert.

The tickets were 3,675 pesos each and what do I get to see during his concert? A good view of Maksim's black hair! Damn! Why? Well, maybe because the sponsors decided not to open the good seats to Maksim's conert. Those would be opened two days before! What's the point in buying your tickets early of you don't even get good seats?!

Anyway, at around 6:15 pm, we left the house to go to Maksim's concert. We stopped by the McDonald's near UP to get something to eat while on the way to PICC. After I ate, I kept on fixing the stuff inside my bag, hoping to hide the camera. The last concert Maksim had here was held in CCP and cameras were not allowed. So, I didn't bring one. However, one of the guys in the audience took pictures of him and I was probably red with rage! I was determined to get pictures of him this time around.

At exactly 7:55 pm, we reached PICC (the concert would start at 8!). I managed to get the camera in the concert hall (woohoo!) and I managed to get Maksim's pictures!

The show started at around 8:30 and a Russian violinist started the program with a few tracks from her new album. The music was also arranged by Tonci Huljic who composes new music for Maksim's album. I guess that was the reason why she was the opening act. Mind you, she was very good and "Thunder" was the best thing she played that night.

Anyway, Maksim started with "Pictures at an Exhebition" which is 12 minutes and 30 second long! After that, we had a 20 minute break and Maksim came back and played some of his pieces. Some from Variations Part I and II and others were from his latest album A New World. Hence the name A New World Concert. They were namely: Nostradamus, Kolibre, The Flower Duet, Blue Balloon, Somewhere in Time/The Old Woman, and the last piece he played was Totentanz. After that, people gave him a standing ovation and he came back and played the single that rocketed him to stardom: The Flight of the Bumblebee. After that, he signed autographs... I got my CD autographed and I'm so freakishly happy!

Anyway, even though my seat sucked like hell, I got a freakin' good view of Maksim's black hair, I had to look at the huge screen to see his fingers do their thing on the piano keys, I had a good time. I still got to listen to him play his pieces, I saw him in person, I got an autograph and I've got a few decent pictures of him... Still, I had a good time.

Although after I left, there was something nagging at the back of my head... I couldn't exactly figure out what it was... and I still haven't... Hmm... I really need to think about it. But I do knowit has something to do with a magnificent Piano Player named Maksim Mrvica

Slipped Away

2005-12-03T18:56:00.000-08:00

Slipped Away
(Avril Lavigne)

I miss you
I miss you so bad
I don't forget you
Oh it's so sad

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same

I didn't get around to kiss you
Goodbye on the hand
I wish that I could see you again
I know that I can't

I hope you can hear me
I remember it clearly

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same

I've had my wake up
Won't you wake up
I keep asking why
I can't take it
It wasn't fake
It happened you passed by

Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere I can't bring you back
Now you're gone
Now you're gone
There you go
There you go
Somewhere you're not coming back

The day you slipped away
Was the day I found
It won't be the same

I miss you

Canadian punk rock star Avril Lavigne wrote this song in memory of her grandfather who passed away. You may be wondering what this thing is doing in my blog... Somehow, I feel as if one of my friends died. Not in the sense that she kicked the bucket. More on the sense that she's gone. I won't see her again.

Do you understand? Maybe not. Let me elaborate. She didn't die... She didn't move away either. She just... slipped away. The friend I knew is no longer there. She changed.

There was a time when I could talk to her about anything and everything wherein she would just listen intently on every word I said. She would voice out her opinion on my problems and she would also tell me her problems... Those days are gone... those days are not coming back. They're gone and all that remains of them are the memories...

Wherever the real "Char" is... just remember one thing... I miss you

Lesbian Dreams

2005-10-14T19:13:00.000-07:00

October 14, 2004... It was a day that made a huge impact on my life... Dammit! I made a total idiot out of myself on this day... Anyway, you don't need to know how I made an idiot out of myself. The thing is, I just did... So, I never forgot the happenings of this day and I never will. That's why I swore to myself that I was going to relieve the moment every passing October 14. Somehow, I think I'll be celebrating something new when it comes to October 14...

Before I say anything else, I'd like to clear up a few things. I was a lesbian at this point. Right now, I have no idea of I'm straight or if I'm a lesbian. So basically, I'm a bisexual idiot.

Anyway, Last July, we had a fight and I never spoke to her again. Up until October 14, 2005. After our computer class, she called me and she talked to me. One word melted my heart and I just wanted to break down and cry... Fortunately, I didn't. My lesbian dreams awoke and I'm back to being the "Ana" that my fellow Darwin-1 classmates came to know.

Dying...

2005-09-15T02:44:00.000-07:00

Slowly, I feel my life ebbing away... Leaving me... My life has finally said "goodbye" and it leaves me with one question... why?

No, not really... I'm not really dying... Heck, would I be typing this thing right now if I were dying? Who'd be that stupid? No, it's a different death that I'm feeling. One worse than the one often described to us by our granparents. It's not the sort of "bright light at the end of the tunnel" or the ones that go "you endure so much pain and after that, there is nothing but extreme happiness..."

The death I'm feeling is probably the most painful death anyone can ever go through. Have you ever loved someone who didn't love you back? If you have, it stings real bad, doesn't it? If you haven't, then you couldn't possibly imagine the pain that we go through.

Imagine waking up in the morning and feeling your heart being torn into shreds, that you couldn't breathe very well, every time you go to sleep, you see his face and you wake up and look around... it seems that anything your eye cathches reminds you of him... It hurts, doesn't it? To tell you the truth, that's only the beginning...

Trust me, you don't want to feel that. Unfortunately for us, life is so unfair. We can't control our emotions, our heart learns to love but we find out too late that we loved the wrong person. Why is it that we love the wrong person? But somehow, I can't help but requote and old saying that I've heard before about love...

How can it be wrong if it feels so right?

And so now, I requote Mariah Carey...

If it's wrong to love you, then my heart just won't let me be right. 'Cause I've
drowned in you and I won't pull through without you by my side...

And here's another one... Still from the same song.

I can see you clearly, vividly emblazoned in my mind. And yet you're so far like
a distant star I'm wishing on tonight...

Where do Broken Hearts Go?

2005-08-06T03:29:00.000-07:00

Yup, that's right... I've been asking myself the question for weeks now... Where exactly do they go? I just want to know because my heart has been nroken and I have absolutely no idea where it is now? Hopefully it's just there somewhere... Somewhere that I can find... Somewhere that I can reach...

But wait just one gosh darn second... How exactly did this happen? Why am I broken hearted in the first place... Let's ask Britney Spears' song "Shadow" tell you... Here are some excerpts from the song that may help...

You're all I want but not like this...

I cannot keep what isn't mine...

Better understood? I certainly do hope so... Somehow, I think that lots of people can understand what I'm feeling... They're just having trouble explaining why... Somehow, I just wish that life comes with an easy handbook or manual that tells us how to get through these things. Unfortunately, people who experience heartbreaks and heartaches go through these things in different ways... And even if we did and try to tell others, they still wouldn't be ready for the pain that comes along with it...

Just as Pierre Bouvier of Simple Plan said... In a perfect world, this could never happen... But the thing of it is, I don't live in a perfect world... And I know deep down that I never will...

Easier said than done...

2005-07-11T02:53:00.000-07:00

"I don't care! Do you think I care? Maybe I used to but now, I don't anymore. He's a thing of the past now..." I don't exactly remember when I said this, but I know I did. No, I'm not talking about a "first love" as some people call it. I'm simply talking about a crush that's been driving me nuts for days, weeks or even months now.

Nearly every night, he's been appearing in my dreams, haunting me and reminding me of something that I don't want to think about. That may be the reason why I said it... But you know what? Things are easier said than done. How can I prove this? Well, maybe because no matter how much I try, I still can't...

Can't what? Well, forget. I can't forget that I'm still addicted to him in every which way possible. No matter how much I try to escape this state I'm in, every step I take leads me to a deeper and darker trap that's getting harder to escape. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I still cannot forget...

Each night, I toss and I turn, still haunted by the dreams that I've been trying to escape for the past few weeks. When can I escape this horrible nightmare? Most people would say I just need to wake up and it will all be over. But the thing is, I am awake. But is the nightmare over? No... My eyes are open and I'm aware of the world around me... but even if I am awake, the one thing that I've been trying to escape is still there. Only this time, for real...

When will this end? No matter how much I try to convince myself that I am NOT addicted to him, I still know, deep down that I am... After all, things are easier said than done...

Reflection

2005-07-01T04:05:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday night, I noticed a change... Might I add, I didn't like that change very much... Why? Well, maybe because I didn't know what it was, I didn't know what was happening, all I knew was, it was happening... Wait! I don't think any of you understood that... So, I'll explain.

Somewhere between turning off the light and wrapping myself in the warm sheets of my bed, I noticed a reflection in the mirror. I knew who she was, but deep down, She was new to me. And in case you haven't guessed who she was, I suggest you look into the mirror yourself... and tell me who you see.

Somehow, she (correction) I was changing... But I wouldn't believe it... I couldn't be changing, I knew deep down inside that I was still the noisy and weird kid who screams and spins around and around whenever she's happy... but the mirror told me otherwise. Still, I wouldn't accept it. I wasn't changing. Everything else around me was, but I wasn't.

But just this morning, I had to believe I was indeed changing. Whether I like it or not, slowly, bit by bit, I am changing. Just this morning, I underwent two fights with Char, didn't visit Kat during the pep rally (sorry, kat), and screamed at nearly everyone that talked to me today. What the .... is wrong with me? Right now, I just don't know why... But when I do, you can count on me that you will be the first to know...

Is everybody going crazy?

2005-06-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

Right now, I don't know if I should be happy or disturbed... Happy 'cause Simple Plan's concert was aired last night in Myx. And do I need to tell you why I'm happy? I probably don't. But then comes the 12th word in my first sentence... disturbed. Why? Well, they also aired the one song that Simple Plan sang in the Philippines and only in the Philippines. The song was entitled Crazy and if you listen to the song, you might think that they've noticed the problems we have...

Well, I don't really think I can post a link to the song but I can and will post the lyrics... Read it carefully and think...

Tell me what's wrong with society
When everywhere I look, I see
Young girls dying to be on TV
They won't stop till they've reached their dreams

Diet pills, surgery
Photoshopped pictures in magazines
Telling them how they should be
It doesn't make sense to me

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on?
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something is wrong

I guess things are not how they used to be
There's no more normal families
Parents act like enemies
Making kids feel like it's World War III

No one cares, no one's there
I guess we're all just too damn busy
And money's our first priority
It doesn't make sense to me

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on?
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something is wrong

Is everybody going crazy?
Is everybody going crazy?

Tell me what's wrong with society
When everywhere I look I see
Rich guys driving big SUVs
While kids are starving in the streets

No one cares
No one likes to share
I guess life's unfair

Is everybody going crazy?
Is anybody gonna save me?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on?
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something, something is wrong

Is everybody going crazy?
Can anybody tell me what's going on?
Tell me what's going on?
If you open your eyes
You'll see that something is wrong

You see? Did they see those problems as well during their one-day stay here? The problem is enormous and it won't stop until we learn from our mistakes. So from now on, with anyone reading this post as my witness, I'll try to make the world a better place... Take your cue from Pierre, David, Chuck, Jeff and Sebastian.

I'm still a kid... I can't exactly make promises that I can't keep... But I'll try.

Musical Baton

2005-06-02T20:45:00.000-07:00

-*- Musical baton -*-

passed to me by Katrina :)

-*- Total volume of music in my computer -*-
Currently, our speakers don't work so none.

-*- The last cd i bought was -*-
hmm... Britney Spears Greatest Hits... I just download music now... Buh-bye CDs!

-*- Song playing right now -*-
Crazy by Simple Plan (I love Pierre!)

-*- Five songs I listen to lately or mean a lot to me -*-
1. Crazy - Simple Plan
2. Lose Yourself - Eminem
3. My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion
4. Dreaming of You - Selena
5. Graduation (Friends Forever) - Vitamin C

-*- D Five people to whom I am passing the baton -*-
1. Lynn
2. Miertje
3. Jamayca
4. Virtus
5. Aica

Keep on passing the baton...

Memories aboard the R.M.S. Titanic

2005-05-30T00:29:00.000-07:00

Just finished watching my favourite (and not to mention the best and highest grossing) movie of all time just a while ago. My bestfriend and close friends would definitely know which movie I'm talking about. And even if we've just met or so, I'm sure that you would know that movie, too. I'm talking about none other than the $ 1,835,400,000 grossing movie, Titanic.

And who would have thought that something as simple like watching a movie could change your life. If you have read all my posts from the time I started up until this very post that you are reading right now, then you would know that I once said that one thing could change your life, may it be bad or good, we wouldn't know until it hits us.

At the start of the movie, it shows Bill Paxton exploring every inch, every corner, and every crevice of what was left of the once celebrated "unsinkable" R.M.S. Titanic. And then, he finds the very thing he was looking for. The safe where Cal Hockley kept all his money, and the very beautiful necklace known as "The Heart of the Ocean". Although, once he opened it, he found nothing but stacks of paper that have worn away due to the passage of the time and the water itself. He thought that it was all over, until the image of a woman appeared in one of the so-called useless papers. The date read April 14, 1912, just one day before Titanic was lost under the depths of the ocean. The news of the mystery woman was broadcasted all over America until it reached Rose.

Hold it! Do I really need to tell you what happens? I'm pretty sure you do know what happened here. So I'll just skip onto what I'm really trying to tell you. The lessons. I know that it's a simple love story about the overly used "Love conquers all". But if you listen, not just watch, but listen and open your mind as well, then you may find other treasures within the remains of Titanic that is much more valuable than the long-lost necklace...

Love conquers all: I know, I know, I can almost hear you scream out there, "ang corny!". But you know what, it is true. Even in the face of disasters, race of survival and the hardest of all obstacles, with love, you can reach your goal. You may come out with a few scratches or so but you come out better and stronger than before.

Life is short: While Jack was having dinner with Rose and her "people", he said three words that made me realize this. Make it count. Why? Well, maybe because life is just one big game. One minute you're as healthy as Yoda, the next moment, you're dead and out. Every move has its consequence. (You may remember this scene very well... While sailing, the weather was so still and fair which made it impossible to see the icebergs. They saw it too late and this led to the untimely death of Titanic.) So while you're playing, make every moment count. May it be as special as passing that algebra test, to something as simple as eating your favourite Haagen-Dazs Vanilla Ice Cream. Write it down, post it in your blog, make it count...

The world does NOT revolve around money: Okay, so we're at the end of the movie. And this is probably one of the most important lessons you'll learn in the whole movie. Bill Paxton may not have found the Heart of the Ocean or tens of thousands of dollars, but he did find something more than that. He found a living legend. Rose herself. And he, along with his crew and Rose's granddaughter, alone knows the love that was formed on the luxurious ocean liner... and the survival of the love, still untainted even through the passage of time...

There are still other lessons that I didn't mention here. I'll leave that up to you to find it. So now, why don't you march over to your room, blow off the dust on your VHS player and look for the other lessons in life buried inside the memories aboard the R.M.S. Titanic...

Set the blog on fire!!!

2005-05-27T01:45:00.000-07:00

Right now, I'm going to set my blog on fire... How? By posting a picture of the hot-hot-hot Hayden Christensen.

Sorry if there is only one picture... I'm having troubles with the links.

And by the way, I saw "Star Wars III - The Revenge of the Sith" again today!!! hehe!!! This is the second time I saw it! Just like "Star Wars II - The Attack of the Clones" I saw that two times in the cinema, too!!!

Okay!!! So right now, I don't have anymore troubles with the links so I'm posting more pics....

2005-05-24T20:20:00.000-07:00

You know what? Right now may be a good time to change my blogskin back to my Anakin/Padme skin. Just last May 19, the Star Wars saga came to it's end.

Nearly 30 years have passed since the first Star Wars movie made its debut in the Silver Screen. And since then, Star Wars gathered followers who went to see it. They all knew to go to cinemas during the years of 1977, 1980, 1983, 1999, 2002, and of course, to see the completion of the saga in the year of 2005.

I must admit to you all that I myself am a Star Wars fan. Though I didn't get to see Luke triumph over evil and restore peace throughout the galaxy, I was able to see the rise of the Galactic Empire and the fall of the Jedi Knights.

Although I have been dreaming of seeing something other than the cliche of good triumphs over evil, I must say that "Revenge of the Sith" made me sick. Especially the death of the the jedi with the pointy head. I'm not exactly sure why, but his death was the one that made me realize that there was a reason why good always triumphs over evil.

Nevertheless, "Revenge of the Sith" is a must see movie. But do bring a packet of tissues while watching it. Not exactly a tear-jerker but well, the death of all the jedi (except Yoda, Anakin and Obi-Wan) will surely move you.

Oh yeah, before I forget.. No matter how evil Anakin Skywalker is, I must say that he is absolutely hot, Hot, HOT!!! (waaaaaaaaaaay before he was melted).

The Saga is Complete

2005-05-24T19:56:00.000-07:00

One

2005-05-13T02:28:00.000-07:00

Unlike my most recent posts where I'm obsessing about my latest crush and posting tons of pictures and exclamation points, I figured that I'd share with you a lesson that I learned the hard way...

Did you know that the smallest things can make the biggest difference in your life? If you didn't, then let me tell you right now. It does... And unfortunately for me, I learned that lesson the hard way...

So what is this one thing? It could be anything... A letter, a word, a song, maybe even a second... As for me, I learned it in the word. Let's go back to that time. I didn't care about blogs then... This happened around November 2004....

The night that this happened will probably go down in my life's history as the worst night in my entire life.

This night was our stargazing night and it was a Saturday. The first time I heard of it, I thought it would be loads of fun. Imagine this: An overnight stay in school and staying up all night to stargaze (although I slept at around 1:30 am 'cause I wanted to forget the happenings that night.)!

So, at 6 pm, all the students were asked to gather at the Covered Court for an announcement Sir Almendarez was making. Well, considering we are Filipinos, the students arrived there at around 6:10 and Sir Almendarez arrived at approximately 6:25. After five minutes of hearing nothing, me and my friends started talking. (Why not? Everybody else was). And then she told me something... I don't think I want to tell you what she told me. But I will tell you one of the words that reached me... naiirita. Well, needless to say, that got me annoyed because I had to hear it from someone else. So, when he tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around (my eyebrow was raised, a sure sign I'm not in a good mood) and he asked me if I was angey, which I shot back with... "Bakit ikaw, hindi?!?"

Okay. so that ruined our friendship... And a few months later, I found out that one word reached me wrong... it was not, I repeat, not naiirita... it was naiilang.

After that incident, I could never talk to him again... I only did when I absolutely had to for projects.

I won't tell you the one that haunts my imagination... just go over here and register to know what I'm talking about. It's in a fanfic that I'm writing.

So, my last words for you, don't let a small thing like that ruin your life. I had to learn it the hard way and I would give anything to reverse what had happened...

So always remember one thing. It can change your life. And if you fail to remember it even for just a second, I swear that you'll forever be kicking yourself for that stupid mistake in your life.

"Sometimes, even the smallest things can make the biggest differences..."

SZMANDA

2005-05-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Do you remember when I said I was addicted to Pierre Bouvier? Well, thanks to endless days of sighing and swooning, nights of dreaming about him and 1,000,000 picture results, I've finally gotten over him.

And if you read the whole post, I did mention moving onto a next crush... And he's been found.

Eric Szmanda (pronounced "Amanda" with a "z") of C.S.I. a.k.a. Greg Sanders. (Lab technician, Lab rat, DNA dude or whatever)

Still remember the cure? Swoon, sigh and dream... And that's exactly what I'm gonna do...

Oh yeah... And just like the flu, cough and cold... diseases are contagious... So, I would absolutely be not surprised if you're looking for pics of him, watching C.S.I. and scouring the web for everything Greg Sanders...

And in case you want to contact him...

Eric Szmanda
c/o Krista Himelson
B/W/R Public Relations
9100 Wilshire Blvd.
6th Floor, West Tower
Beverly Hills, CA 9021

Oh yeah... Last words: AMPUGE!!!

My All

2005-05-06T21:36:00.000-07:00

My All
(Mariah Carey)

I am thinking of you
In my sleepless solitude tonight
If it's wrong to love you
Then my heart just won't let me right
Cause I've drowned in you
And I won't pull through
Without you by my side

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

Baby can you feel me
Imagining I'm looking in your eyes
I can see you clearly
Vividly emblazoned in my mind
And yet you're so far
Like a distant star
I'm wishing on tonight

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight

I'd give my all to have
Just one more night with you
I'd risk my life to feel
Your body next to mine
Cause I can't go on
Living in the memory of our song
I'd give my all for your love tonight
Give my all for your love
Tonight

This song was released years ago and yet, the message it brings is still clearly replaying in our mind. Admit it, you may not remember it but somewhere in your past (at least 13 years, hahaha), you can remember that longing that you felt for a person. As young as we may all seem, I know that deep down inside, you can feel it too...

Dreams are what keeps me alive...

2005-05-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

If any of you people have seen the first title of my blog... You may remember that it was then called "-*-Dreams are what keeps me alive -*-"... Well, now it's called "Across the Stars". But I'm not posting this because of titles or whatnot!

I'm posting this because of... dreams. Duh!

Why? Well, maybe because for the past few days, I've been dreaming about one person. And one person only. I'll tell you two of them later since I can't exactly remember what happened in the others... All I remember is... him.

Who is he? Well, let me give you a clue. But I'm telling you right now, DO NOT THINK ABOUT SAVING ONE OF HIS PICTURES!!! OTHERWISE, I WILL COME OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AND RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES!!! GRRRRRR!!!

Now do you know who he is? If you don't then... TURN ON YOUR TV AND WAIT FOR HIM IN CHANNEL 2 AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU KNOW WHO HE IS!!! And if you do, I guess you know that he is none other than John Paul Gaerlan Lizardo or much more commonly known as Japoy.

So now you know. For the past few days, I've been dreaming about him... Wanna know what those dreams are? Well, I'm more than willing to tell you what those are. (I've checked blogger and he doesn't have one... hehehe)

The Haunted House: Yup... This is where it all began... In the Haunted House. Okay... Now, I'll tell you what happened.

Okay. First, let's talk about the setting. Think: Really creepy!!! Have you seen the movie "The Craft"? Then if you have, think of it this way... Make the trees stand waaaaaaaaaaay closer to each other so that no light can pass through them. Think of it as an umbrella made only of trees. Yup, even when it's raining, no drop of water can come through. Creepy enough? Okay... let's move on to the ground. Think "The Craft" + "The Blair Witch Project", now I'm sure that your ground is now covered with lots of dead leaves, twigs and little pieces of sharp rocks and stones.

Okay... so now, we have the sky and ground. What's missing? Ahhh yes, the haunted house. Think of the house this way. Very very old... As in go back to the spanish era. There's a porch with an old, ricketty rocking-chair. Get the picture? So now, let's go inside the house. Never mind the rooms. Let's go to the only room we'll need. Let's go upstairs and enter one of the rooms. It's empty. And nothing's in there except dust, dead leaves, twigs and stone. Get the picture? So now, let's get on with the dream!

Japoy and his friend were talking on the front porch when suddenly, a girl approaches them. (No. Not me). Who's the girl? Maja Salvador. (Don't blame me! I can't control what goes on inside my dreams!!!) Maja was wearing a long blue dress. Japoy was wearing a long-sleeved white shirt and black slacks. (gwapo!) And his friend? Well, he was wearing a long-sleeved blue shirt and black slacks. (I have no idea who he is!)

So, his friend leaves him and Maja asks him to accompany her inside the house. They go to the only room I described (maybe because it's the only room I know!!!) and Maja whispers smething in Japoy's ear. It must've really annoyed him because he got so angry at Maja and he pushed her out the window. And needless to say. She died... HAHAHAHA!!!

Oh yeah... There's something that happened after that... But I dont want to tell anyone. (For now, only Kat knows what happened.)

Okay!!! Moving onto the second dream!!!

The Badminton Racket: Okay... this is easier to explain. Setting: Celebrity Sports Club. Characters: Kat (go kat!), Ana, Japoy, Rayver.

Okay... Let's move on to what I remember.

Japoy and Rayver were playing badminton by the pool (this is not possible in real life!!! But hey, this is ). Kat and I were playing badminton beside them. Japoy said a sort of joke which got me pissed off so I hit him on the head (real hard if I may add) with the badminton racket which caused him to fall on the pool.

And just like the first dream, something happened after that which I will not tell you... (Only Kat knows again...) special ka talaga kat!!!

Anyway... There are more dreams but I can't remember what happened. The only thing I remember is.... JAPOY!

So, today, I'll just wait for the sun to set so that I can begin another adventure where anything is possible...

Crazy for PIERRE!!!

2005-05-01T22:21:00.000-07:00

It's been more than a month since I saw him but... I just can't stop thinking about him! His goofy smile, wild hair and predictable clothes! (plain black shirt paired with 3/4 khaki pants)

Yup, I am now under Pierre Bouvier of Simple Plan's spell. And you needn't ask anymore... Whatever question is on your mind, I'm willing to answer it right now. I DO HAVE A CRUSH ON HIM! So I guess that now adds up to 16 crushes.

Most of the times, whenever I develop a crush, it's basically the nose that gives it all away. (e.g. Sean Biggerstaff, Ronald Cruz etc.) But with Pierre, there's a lot more... Meaning, it's not just the nose. He can sing, play the guitar and charm his way through anything! (betcha that he always got out of detention!)

Thinking of Pierre may have been good, but I can't help but think that, it's a disease that has to be cured, IMMEDIATELY! But the question is how?

Immediately, I began dumping his pictures into the Recycle Bin and didn't bother restoring them. But there was something wrong... The more I tried to avoid it, the more I though of him! DARN! Then, something chunked into place. I was doing it all wrong! I shouldn't try to forget him. Maybe swooning and sighing ARE the remedies for this sort of disease. So, instead of running away from the truth, I'll just let myself swoon, sigh and dream about him... And just like every other disease out there, it can spread... And now, I'm gonna spread it so pay attention to the pictures that I'll now share with you

That's Pierre!!!

I told ya he can play the guitar

That's him singing "Perfect" alongside his bandmember David.

So there! And just in case you can't stop thinking about him, too... Just remember that the cure is easy. Swoon, sigh and dream until you're ready to move onto your next crush!!!

Kulang na Kulang

2005-04-29T03:12:00.000-07:00

"Kulang na kulang ba, di pa ba sapat?
Inubos kong lahat, panahon ko sa'yo.
Anong gagawin? Di mo pinapansin,
itong damdamin, aking paglalambing..."

This was what you would hear a few weeks before our summer vacation as my classmate, Aica sang the chorus of Joy and Bev's song. The song was entitled "Kulang na Kulang". It was a song about loving someone... but apart from that, it was also a song about him not loving you back, that you couldn't feel the love that he was supposed to give. You gave up everything for him, yet, he couldn't love you back.

Hearing her sing it (she meant the song and she was dedicating it to someone), I couldn't help but think that this world we live in is so unfair. Why do we have to fall for the people whom we shouldn't love? Why should they feel affection towards the people who can't return their love? And most importantly, why should we be hurt to know that we have fallen in love?

I know that I've heard a saying that goes: "Without suffering, there can be no compassion"... Yes, but sometimes, getting through these "sufferings" is kind of hard.

There are times when I wish that the world we live in comes with a manual. An easy 1,2,3 guide that can help us through the ups and downs of life. I know that I will never truly understand why life has to be so unfair. But now, I do understand one thing... That without these trials and sufferings that we may feel the first time we love, we won't learn lessons that can help us through the next tears and heartbreaks that we may encounter... again, until we find that special someone who is worth our love and tears... The special someone whom you'll love, and will love you back the way that you want them to.

Life may be unfair, but somehow, God has made a method to make it meaningful and perfect.

Against All Odds...

2005-04-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

If any of you have seen my friendster account, then you would see that it's loaded with everything Draco/Hermione. As far as I can remember, I've always had a fixation for that Fanfic shipping. I don't know why. I've read tons of Harry Potter fanfictions but Draco/Hermione ones always tops my list as the best.

I don't really know why. Maybe because it's forbidden. And admit it, in the 21st century, nearly every form of love is. Forbidden Love has existed way back when. Probably back to the time when my great-great-great-great grandmother was in diapers. Yes, I'm talking about Romeo and Juliet.

In a way, the story of Romeo and Juliet has something to do with my fascination of Draco and Hermione.

1. Romeo and Juliet's Parents were at war. Thus, they couldn't live together.
Draco is a pureblood and Hermione is muggle-born. Possibility? 0%
2. Romeo and Juliet had to keep their love a secret
Could you imagine Draco telling his father that he loves Hermione? HELL NO!

So you see, this is the circumstance that makes love grow stronger. The fact that it's forbidden makes them fight for their right. Even though fighting for it is against all odds...

-*- Dreams are what keeps me alive -*-

MOVED!

MOVED!

On Death and Dying

random thoughts

A New World Concerto

Slipped Away

Lesbian Dreams

Dying...

Where do Broken Hearts Go?

Easier said than done...

Reflection

Is everybody going crazy?

Musical Baton

Memories aboard the R.M.S. Titanic

Set the blog on fire!!!

The Saga is Complete

One

SZMANDA

My All

Dreams are what keeps me alive...

Crazy for PIERRE!!!

Kulang na Kulang

Against All Odds...

-- Dreams are what keeps me alive --